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Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

#15052365
407 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7308) - you deserved it (97139)

On 02/20/2011 at 1:44pm - misc - by :/ - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

#18819143
426 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30426) - you deserved it (6891)

On 01/15/2012 at 10:30pm - love - by geeklove - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

#19131405
411 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40017) - you deserved it (5845)

On 02/21/2012 at 2:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

#17556947
408 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31269) - you deserved it (5801)

On 08/23/2011 at 10:46am - intimacy - by Andrew (man) - United States

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

#4976961
425 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18517) - you deserved it (365012)

On 09/01/2009 at 2:05pm - work - by Hairball (man) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

#13351667
422 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46189) - you deserved it (14720)

On 10/07/2010 at 2:29am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

#15415260
355 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30063) - you deserved it (52126)

On 03/21/2011 at 12:58pm - intimacy - by fffmmll - United Kingdom (Derbyshire)

Today, I am currently grounded for three weeks, have no car, cell phone, or television privileges, and am not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes on the computer a day. The reason why: I was seven minutes past my 9'oclock curfew. I'm 18. FML

#3180871
443 comments

I agree, your life sucks (78279) - you deserved it (11886)

On 06/24/2009 at 5:34pm - misc - by creeped_out_ - United States (Kansas)

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

#17067732
423 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13610) - you deserved it (52801)

On 07/11/2011 at 3:21pm - kids - by dummy (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

#18202130
410 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45787) - you deserved it (6605)

On 11/09/2011 at 3:00pm - love - by Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend chose the most expensive restaurant in town, then spent the entire time facebooking, texting, and playing games on her phone while I dined in silence. This is the second time we've been out this week. She didn't even eat her food. I didn't even get a thank you. FML

#15749672
420 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53566) - you deserved it (13582)

On 04/12/2011 at 12:27am - love - by BrokeAndPsst (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

#2026481
437 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33647) - you deserved it (146064)

On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - animals - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)



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