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Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

#19131405
405 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36501) - you deserved it (5416)

On 02/21/2012 at 2:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

#6472262
388 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6749) - you deserved it (78094)

On 11/27/2009 at 12:12am - misc - by obsessed (woman) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

#18202130
407 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43269) - you deserved it (6329)

On 11/09/2011 at 3:00pm - love - by Anonymous - Canada

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

#17067732
419 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10975) - you deserved it (47518)

On 07/11/2011 at 3:21pm - kids - by dummy (woman) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

#2344396
416 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15051) - you deserved it (103699)

On 05/27/2009 at 4:12pm - love - by tarini (woman) - Bangladesh (Dhaka)

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

#2695663
437 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23829) - you deserved it (52879)

On 06/07/2009 at 4:46pm - misc - by Jebus (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML

#16862726
413 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43217) - you deserved it (9795)

On 06/26/2011 at 6:32am - kids - by Unsanitary (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

#329882
424 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21885) - you deserved it (269486)

On 03/14/2009 at 9:30pm - misc - by SwedishBozo (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I reached a new low and embarrased my entire family. While in the frozen section of Walmart, I dropped to my knees and let out a horrific, agonizing scream, when I found out they were out of Strawberry Toaster Strudels. FML

#8719561
449 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6341) - you deserved it (50112)

On 02/28/2010 at 2:17pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my boyfriend found out I have OCD. When I touch something with one hand I have to touch it with the other or I freak. After I brushed his face with the back of my hand he tackled me to the floor, held me down, and laughed at me while I panicked and tried to touch him with my other hand. FML

#13351667
415 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42290) - you deserved it (13767)

On 10/07/2010 at 2:29am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

#17322871
420 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30693) - you deserved it (13659)

On 07/31/2011 at 6:19pm - intimacy - by username (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

#17556947
399 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24083) - you deserved it (4190)

On 08/23/2011 at 10:46am - intimacy - by Andrew (man) - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

#2026481
435 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28757) - you deserved it (133754)

On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - animals - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)



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