Choose the period

Friday 27 May 2016

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, while in class, my friend would not stop annoying me by tapping me on the shoulder every so often. After the fifth time, I lost my patience, told him to F off, and slapped his hand. Only it wasn't my friend tapping my shoulder this time, it was my teacher. FML

by gettinganF / 05/23/2016 at 7:57am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

by LostSleep / 05/24/2016 at 5:54pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

by justpeachy1989 / 05/26/2016 at 10:06am / Australia / Animals

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

by teflon_hammer / 05/25/2016 at 7:19pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

by nomail / 05/26/2016 at 3:55pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend decided to make some life changes. He got a new job, a new car, and asked me to move out of our apartment. We're 1,500 miles away from my hometown. I only moved all the way out here to live with him in the first place because he asked me to. FML

by BrokenAndHurt / 05/24/2016 at 8:28am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to have a hot cup of coffee. Then I stumbled on a chair and somehow spilled the hot liquid on my privates. The searing pain worked better to wake me up than the coffee itself. FML

by mumblingdope / 05/25/2016 at 4:52am / Indonesia (Jakarta Raya) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

by anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 8:34pm / United States (New Mexico) / Health

Today, I discovered my dog pooped in my bed, under the covers, by rolling over onto it. FML

by WellThatSucks / 05/23/2016 at 5:15am / United States / Animals

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

by anonymous / 05/23/2016 at 11:41pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health

Today, the first thing I noticed about my blind date was the clump of nose hairs sticking out and mingling with his beard. In an effort to not stare, I periodically glanced away. After a while, he asked which guy I was into at the table next to us, because I was spending so much time looking in that direction. FML

by anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Idaho) / Love

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

by UniverseHatesMe / 05/26/2016 at 6:04am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I babysat my neighbor's twin 4-year-old girls again. When I took them out for lunch, they apparently had been addressing themselves as "my bitches", taught to them by their devil spawn 13-year-old brother. Everyone, including Chuck E. Cheese himself, was not pleased. FML

by Ban Hammered / 05/25/2016 at 6:35am / United States (New York) / Kids