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Monday 28 April 2014

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Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML

by yes, yes it does :( / 04/30/2014 at 5:11pm / United States / Work

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of three years. I worked my ass off planning everything down to a T. It seemed perfect, until I actually proposed, at which point I was rejected and dumped, in front of my family, friends and two coworkers. FML

by willstaysingle / 04/29/2014 at 10:18am / Love

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2014 at 1:17am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2014 at 10:39pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

by god / 04/29/2014 at 2:48pm / United Kingdom (West Lothian) / Miscellaneous

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2014 at 5:03pm / United States (Indiana) / Animals

Today, while at my brother's funeral, my girlfriend decided to tell me she's been sleeping with him. FML

by loserman / 04/29/2014 at 6:40pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

by brerj09 / 04/28/2014 at 9:35am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

by melmel / 05/05/2014 at 1:07am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

by Zekrome / 05/05/2014 at 3:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, it's been a week since I found an egg in the street that had seemingly fallen out of a nest. I'd bought a cage and an expensive incubator lamp to save it. It's thus been a week that I've been trying to save a mouldy old potato. FML

by mac cayne / 05/01/2014 at 11:13pm / France (Alsace) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

by Felicityfrank / 05/01/2014 at 10:17am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, I hurt my back, and now I have to lie on my stomach for twenty minutes every hour so I can ice the pain. My boyfriend won't stop using my ass as bongo drums every time. FML

by booty backfire / 05/01/2014 at 1:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous