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Friday 13 December 2013

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Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2013 at 7:51pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

by anonymous / 12/09/2013 at 10:10am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

by justin / 12/12/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML

by Cat Piss / 12/15/2013 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

by igotpride / 12/09/2013 at 4:01pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while on my way to work, an elderly woman complimented me on my breast cancer scarf. I explained that my grandmother made one for all her female grandchildren before passing away two years ago. The woman then went psycho and almost strangled me in an attempt to steal it. FML

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

by gymgirl / 12/17/2013 at 6:48pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2013 at 1:50pm / Intimacy

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

by tp2014 / 12/19/2013 at 8:12am / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, after finals, my English professor left me less than one percent from an A. Why? All semester long, he took away points because my opinions did not match his. FML

by opinionsarestill / 12/20/2013 at 3:23am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

by not-religious / 12/17/2013 at 4:16am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

by Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood / 12/09/2013 at 12:52am / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

by Rob / 12/18/2013 at 12:47pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy