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Tuesday 3 December 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML

Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to 'paint mama a picture.' FML

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

#20977883
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17642) - you deserved it (46820)

On 12/02/2013 at 1:41am - misc - by car keyer (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was gushing about my love for Disney princesses when someone told me I "definitely needed to calm down." By whom? A four-year-old girl. FML

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

#20986479
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54052) - you deserved it (4167)

On 12/09/2013 at 4:01pm - misc - by igotpride - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

#20984907
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43251) - you deserved it (3531)

On 12/08/2013 at 11:49am - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

#20985898
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43309) - you deserved it (6407)

On 12/09/2013 at 12:52am - kids - by Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood (man) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, upon hearing of the death of Nelson Mandela, I posted a link on Facebook to the South African children's hospital in his name and donated. I was completely ignored whilst my newsfeed became clogged by my middle-class friends with "RIP Nelson Mandela" and photos of Morgan Freeman. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

#20982965
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45640) - you deserved it (3911)

On 12/06/2013 at 4:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

#20979412
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40329) - you deserved it (3662)

On 12/03/2013 at 2:45pm - misc - by nemesis5196523 (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

#20984084
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57264) - you deserved it (3816)

On 12/07/2013 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by mystery - United States (North Dakota)

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

#20984796
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45953) - you deserved it (3101)

On 12/08/2013 at 8:19am - kids - by blah! - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44628) - you deserved it (4864)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States



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