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Monday 29 July 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML

#20814794
337 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65404) - you deserved it (5639)

On 08/01/2013 at 3:36am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

#20809554
215 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60161) - you deserved it (5216)

On 07/29/2013 at 11:07am - misc - by PrettyScared (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

#20814697
213 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54057) - you deserved it (8988)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:21am - kids - by father of the year - United States

Today, I was convinced by my friends to watch an episode of the American TV show "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". They said it was bad, but I didn't anticipate having a full-blown panic attack ten minutes into it. FML

#20819060
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40070) - you deserved it (8772)

On 08/03/2013 at 5:57pm - health - by WTF, America? (man) - Sweden

Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

#20815318
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57946) - you deserved it (6370)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by countryblumpkin (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

#20810087
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48407) - you deserved it (10815)

On 07/29/2013 at 5:18pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I found out that when I text my boyfriend, he isn't the one to read them. Instead, he pays his friend to "keep the bitch busy." FML

#20813368
170 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56816) - you deserved it (6025)

On 07/31/2013 at 12:49pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML

#20819538
174 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47767) - you deserved it (4766)

On 08/03/2013 at 11:29pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Delaware)

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

#20809292
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58835) - you deserved it (8738)

On 07/29/2013 at 3:54am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I watched my boyfriend flirt with a cashier and write down his number for her, through the liquor store window, while I sat in the car waiting for him to finish buying things for our "romantic movie night." FML

Today, I came home a little earlier than usual, only to walk in on my dad frantically trying to remove a ballgag from my mom's mouth. FML

#20822450
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47798) - you deserved it (4317)

On 08/05/2013 at 5:42pm - misc - by NO NO NO (woman) - Netherlands (Zuid-Holland)

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed hysterically and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

#20820496
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63355) - you deserved it (8220)

On 08/04/2013 at 3:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arizona)



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