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Sunday 28 July 2013

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Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2013 at 5:34pm / United Kingdom (Newcastle upon Tyne) / Health

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2013 at 12:36pm / United States (Alaska) / Intimacy

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

by nowimbroketoo / 07/22/2013 at 1:47pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

by Anonymous / 07/24/2013 at 3:33am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to help my constipated dog by squeezing crap out of her butt. This is a daily occurrence. FML

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

by kilamo80 / 07/27/2013 at 5:26am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while using a restroom in Walmart, an old lady with a cane hobbled in screaming, "I smell someone making sin!" She would not stop tapping on the door with her cane till I came out. FML

by DreamStatic / 07/28/2013 at 10:16pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

by Bug8Frog / 07/30/2013 at 2:42am / United States (Alaska) / Animals

Today, I was washing up in a public bathroom, when I looked up for a second and saw a kid in the mirror staring back at me. I gasped, as I thought the place had been empty. He whispered, "It's time to die." I screamed and ran out, only to hear him burst out laughing behind me. FML

by lights on forever / 08/02/2013 at 4:57pm / Turkey (Istanbul) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML

by Anonymous / 07/30/2013 at 1:32pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

by confused_girl / 08/01/2013 at 1:10am / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy

Today, I noticed fraudulent charges made in Florida that nearly drained my bank account. After reporting the fraud to the bank, I returned home from a weekend away to find a note from my husband. He and his mistress have run off to Florida to start a life together, apparently at my expense. FML

by brokeandalone / 07/30/2013 at 1:09am / United States / Money

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

by Bnewlove / 07/31/2013 at 12:50am / Canada (British Columbia) / Love