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Sunday 28 July 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I walked into an elderly man's room in the hospital I work to give him his food. After he struggled to sit up, I noticed his hand move down towards his crotch. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "I have to do this to my scrotum because it gets sweaty and sticks to my leg." FML

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

#20809207
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48810) - you deserved it (3990)

On 07/29/2013 at 2:30am - work - by Fitz - United States

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

#20813928
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29667) - you deserved it (43057)

On 07/31/2013 at 6:49pm - misc - by psychic parents, how do they work? :( (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

#20799401
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58402) - you deserved it (5532)

On 07/23/2013 at 1:18pm - intimacy - by MenstruallyFrustrated - United States (Arizona)

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

#20813339
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53472) - you deserved it (8509)

On 07/31/2013 at 12:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Belgium (West-Vlaanderen)

Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML

#20798770
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67421) - you deserved it (3983)

On 07/23/2013 at 1:17am - intimacy - by amanda (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I finished the kayak I have been working on for four years. I can't get it out of my basement. FML

#20811304
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39941) - you deserved it (23377)

On 07/30/2013 at 10:13am - misc - by kayak probs - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

#20804466
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52670) - you deserved it (17053)

On 07/26/2013 at 10:26am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was buying ingredients for a salad. I had only picked up a few cucumbers, when an elderly lady came up to me and murmured, "Make sure you use lots of lube, or that'll hurt. Been there, sweetheart." What the HELL? FML

#20817265
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56776) - you deserved it (5519)

On 08/02/2013 at 4:23pm - misc - by um... what the fuck, miss? (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my grandma walked into my house drunk. She was mumbling something about her being a badass because she beat someone with a pool stick at a bar. She's 68 years old. FML

#20804067
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38889) - you deserved it (3794)

On 07/26/2013 at 2:10am - misc - by dareyale (woman) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I crawled into bed with my boyfriend. He was snoring loudly which is how I knew he was passed out cold. Once I was under the blanket next to him, he slowly turned over, stared me straight in the face and said, "I have to kill you". Then started snoring again. FML

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

#20803453
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44482) - you deserved it (8821)

On 07/25/2013 at 8:13pm - misc - by Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

#20816318
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51726) - you deserved it (11182)

On 08/02/2013 at 12:39am - intimacy - by whyeventry? (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)



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