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Tuesday 16 July 2013

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Today, I was playing solitaire when an achievement popped up on my phone. "You have just completed your 1000th game of solitaire!" Never felt so alone in my life. FML

by solitaire / 07/20/2013 at 4:14am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 9:55pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 4:47am / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, I baked strawberry muffins for my family, putting half a strawberry on each of them. Only when it was too late did I realize that they looked like extremely creepy breasts. FML

by muffin / 07/16/2013 at 8:01am / Austria / Miscellaneous

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

by hannahisacooler / 07/16/2013 at 7:41pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

by the unfortunate man / 07/19/2013 at 12:29am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working the drive-through at McDonald's. I greeted a customer with a, "Hi, how are you doing today?" His response: "Better than you." FML

by Anonymous / 07/21/2013 at 12:15am / United States / Work

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2013 at 2:30pm / Denmark (Midtjylland) / Love

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 3:10am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2013 at 1:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

by FootinMouth / 07/18/2013 at 5:48pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I had to break up a fist fight between two female residents. I work in a retirement home. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2013 at 9:03pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I woke up with a half-shaved head, thanks to the friends I let crash at my place last night. I have work in an hour and a half, and they hid my hair clippers. FML

by Eisenhorn / 07/20/2013 at 1:47am / United States / Work