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Saturday 29 June 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

#20745688
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53575) - you deserved it (14684)

On 06/25/2013 at 12:22am - intimacy - by dan (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

#20752684
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50914) - you deserved it (7190)

On 06/28/2013 at 3:41pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

#20765003
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25053) - you deserved it (50740)

On 07/05/2013 at 11:16am - misc - by forever young (woman) - United States

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

#20752290
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53396) - you deserved it (3815)

On 06/28/2013 at 11:51am - misc - by me - United States

Today, I found out that my parents spent all of the money in my college fund to pay for my cat to be flown to LA and audition for a movie. FML

#20764588
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64826) - you deserved it (3770)

On 07/05/2013 at 2:11am - money - by Anonymous - United States (Iowa)

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

#20744678
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54929) - you deserved it (4485)

On 06/24/2013 at 2:39pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

#20748724
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44182) - you deserved it (4836)

On 06/26/2013 at 4:33pm - intimacy - by theunluckylifeofme (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

#20766909
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48918) - you deserved it (19616)

On 07/06/2013 at 11:42am - misc - by BlueB (man) - United States

Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

#20749135
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60732) - you deserved it (6748)

On 06/26/2013 at 9:02pm - intimacy - by the_lonely_life - United States

Today, my fiancée decided to go on a "vacation." Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

#20750126
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55165) - you deserved it (3852)

On 06/27/2013 at 11:17am - misc - by Guntherdog - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

#20753667
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42687) - you deserved it (8351)

On 06/29/2013 at 1:31am - misc - by damniphone - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

#20765683
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45203) - you deserved it (7497)

On 07/05/2013 at 6:29pm - misc - by he's a dawk, and a cunt (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, after asking my psychiatrist about natural alternatives to medication for my depression, she replied, "Why not Zoidberg?" FML

#20744996
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32730) - you deserved it (6064)

On 06/24/2013 at 6:12pm - health - by thanksdoc (woman) - United States (Texas)



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