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Sunday 28 April 2013

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Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

by conbon123 / 04/29/2013 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Animals

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

by sharibaby / 04/30/2013 at 5:26pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

by Jes_jes18 / 05/02/2013 at 2:27pm / United States / Love

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

by work -_- / 04/22/2013 at 9:22am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Work

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML

by Anonymous / 05/05/2013 at 3:35pm / United States (Nebraska) / Love

Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML

by 'creep' / 04/22/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML

by verycherryfucked / 04/28/2013 at 6:10pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I met one of my favorite web-comic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML

by stupidquestionsstupidpeople / 04/29/2013 at 11:32pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

by stupid voicemails / 04/28/2013 at 5:09am / United States (Hawaii) / Work

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

by Gioia / 04/30/2013 at 8:28am / Bulgaria (Vidin) / Love

Today, as I was walking down the street, a car full of hot girls pulled up and asked if I wanted to party; obviously, I said yes. They then shot at me with party poppers and threw party food all over me. FML

by KingUrge / 04/26/2013 at 4:36am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being nearly homeless and couch-hopping for the last few months, I finally signed a 1-year lease. When I got home, I was surprised to see a picture of my new complex on the front page of the newspaper. It turns out that they are fighting a serious bedbug infestation. FML

by creepycrawley247 / 04/30/2013 at 10:50pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

by MommaAnnie / 05/02/2013 at 11:59am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy