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Monday 4 February 2013

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Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

by thefriedman / 02/11/2013 at 11:59pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2013 at 2:12am / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, I ran into a former co-worker who I hadn't seen in years. She was raving at how I hadn't aged a bit, but before I could thank her she said, "But, you know, chubby people age better." FML

by Colleen Nichols / 02/04/2013 at 7:17am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I finished booking the non-refundable cruise for my wife and I to the Bahamas. I did this after confirming once again that my mother could take care of our son while we're away. An hour after I paid, she called back saying she mistook the dates and can't do it anymore. FML

by vacationless / 02/05/2013 at 2:35pm / United States (West Virginia) / Holidays

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

by theydidsmellitthough / 02/08/2013 at 4:59pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was walking to my car, I noticed a car with a tail light out. Trying to be a good citizen, I walked up to the driver's side door and said "excuse me". The lady then maced me through the open window. FML

by maced face / 02/05/2013 at 12:45pm / United States / Transportation

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

by chillyinside / 02/10/2013 at 12:03am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to college on bike through snow and hail only to find out my professor can't make it to class due to the weather. She lives down my street. FML

by refticon / 02/06/2013 at 3:45am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

by embarassinggg / 02/06/2013 at 1:57pm / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Miscellaneous

Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML

by UuuuUUUUhhgghghghGHh / 02/09/2013 at 12:21pm / Kenya / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

by MyLife / 02/06/2013 at 3:04am / Love

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2013 at 2:46am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

by akasoor / 02/10/2013 at 8:51pm / Canada (Alberta) / Animals