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May 2016

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Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

by fckdorms / 05/09/2016 at 10:04am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

by anon mom / 05/11/2016 at 8:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

by Erbtosis / 05/12/2016 at 10:40pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I got a letter stating that now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I need to start getting cervical exams. The only people interested in getting anywhere near my vagina are doctors. FML

by CarouselHeart / 05/18/2016 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Health

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

by The_Waffle / 05/14/2016 at 1:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, I realized one of my best friends was only friends with me because I would take her shopping, spoil her regularly, and help her out financially. She moved to another province and only contacted me whenever she wanted money. After I refused a couple of times, she deleted me on Facebook. FML

by Less Friendship, More Cash / 05/06/2016 at 7:54am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized why my dad got mad when he found out that my girlfriend and I have sex. Turns out he's jealous because he thinks she's hot, and wishes he was the one sleeping with her. FML

by seriouslydad / 05/08/2016 at 9:11am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

by Annoyed / 05/10/2016 at 9:23pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

by are you kidding me? / 05/16/2016 at 5:24pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I left the windows open because I live in Florida without air conditioning because the asshole landlord won't fix it. There was nice cool air from the rain. I've killed about 100 flying ants that have made their way inside. Now I have a hot house with closed windows and flying ants. FML

by Ants everywhere but my pants / 05/18/2016 at 10:35pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

by JustWantedToRelax / 05/09/2016 at 10:27pm / United States / Animals

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

by Carrie_Chaos / 05/23/2016 at 4:16pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

by aireeahna / 05/20/2016 at 2:04am / United States (Iowa) / Love