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July 2016

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Today, my mom figured that the best time to announce that I'm adopted was during her speech at my wedding. FML

by DidNotExpectThat / 07/18/2016 at 3:30am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

by Butch / 07/04/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

by TooInnocent / 07/07/2016 at 1:44pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Work

Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2016 at 5:02pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of trying to make my girlfriend orgasm, she finally did. It was with my brother. I'll definitely knock next time. FML

by Lil Bro / 07/16/2016 at 10:05pm / United Kingdom (Sandwell) / Intimacy

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

by El Jeffe / 07/05/2016 at 1:54pm / United States (Utah) / Transportation

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

by tiredmom / 07/07/2016 at 11:03am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to stop by a drive-thru on the way to his place. I asked him to order a Coke for me, at which point he asked if I wanted to make it a Diet Coke. FML

by goldendarkness / 07/08/2016 at 9:34pm / Miscellaneous

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2016 at 10:08pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

by Anonameow / 07/19/2016 at 9:49am / Animals

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

by ClairvoyantVamp / 07/06/2016 at 7:09pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to make a choice between being kept awake by the heat, or the cackling seagulls outside my window. I still don't know what's worse. FML

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

by Foot In Mouth / 07/12/2016 at 10:46pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work