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April 2016

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Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2016 at 6:39am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 7:22pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I arrived for the two-week scuba diving vacation I spent months saving, planning, and looking forward to. Today, I also developed an ear infection and can't scuba dive for 2 weeks. FML

by nonnie31 / 04/25/2016 at 3:17pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

by shit / 04/28/2016 at 7:05am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a two-hour bus ride to get to orientation, got stuck a block away because the pedestrian sidewalk was closed, waited half-an-hour for my ride in the rain, when someone called the cops on me for acting suspicious. I got to the interview soaking wet, and they told me they'd rescheduled. FML

by Anonymous / 03/31/2016 at 7:48pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, an old friend of mine texted me, saying we should hang out. I thought it was really sweet and was excited to see her again, until she realized that she was texting the wrong person, and canceled our plans immediately. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2016 at 10:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

by too eager / 04/25/2016 at 11:21am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I watched my high school crush pull into the parking spot next to me, and then almost immediately he started backing out once he saw me parked next to him. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2016 at 12:34am / United States (Louisiana) / Love

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

by TappedAnts / 04/07/2016 at 9:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, after staying up late all week to get work done, I arrived at my job having accomplished all my goals. In my sleep-deprived stupor, I completely forgot to bring the briefcase that had all of the evidence of that hard work. FML

by GreenShelves / 04/09/2016 at 12:31am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2016 at 7:46pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

by Nasty / 04/25/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, some guy on a bike kept taunting me about my weight while I was out jogging. He ended up hitting a street lamp and fell off his bike. I had a real good laugh at him for all of 5 seconds before he got mad and really made me run. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2016 at 1:59pm / United States / Health