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May 2016

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Today, I was dumping some old milk in the sink and noticed it wasn't going down. Assuming food was clogging the drain, I stuck my hand down in it to remove the food. I removed a blueberry and half a cockroach. FML

by Sarah-grace / 05/17/2016 at 6:20pm / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

by ShandiPandiDerp / 05/20/2016 at 8:12am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML

by sociallyawkward / 05/18/2016 at 9:52pm / United States (Georgia) / Money

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

by howdoesthatmakesense / 05/02/2016 at 4:05pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

by ReboundGrl / 05/23/2016 at 2:44pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, my coworker told me when we got to work that she purposely left her phone at home. I then had to suffer 8 hours of listening to her constantly whine like a toddler about how much she missed her phone. FML

by StephiLynn / 05/09/2016 at 12:33am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, I learned that for the next two months I'll get to train physicians on how to use the computer program that has made my job obsolete. I've known this program was coming for months, but I didn't know it would be taking my job. FML

by jessiethebestie / 05/05/2016 at 1:35pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, I gave my cat a little kiss on the head. Just as I was about to tell him I love him, he sneezed directly into my face. It's been two hours and I still can't get the taste of cat snot out of my mouth. I probably need to get a life. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2016 at 8:25pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

by kids are meh / 05/16/2016 at 5:47pm / United States (Louisiana) / Kids

Today, I went on a camping trip. I already had a bad back, and then the guy in charge took us on a hike. My shoes were too small, and now I'm hobbling around with a bad back and foot. Every time I limp, it hurts my back, but if I walk normally, it hurts my foot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/01/2016 at 1:19pm / United States / Holidays

Today, I was at a concert and I was having so much fun. Unfortunately, this was cut short when the person behind me with the worst halitosis started singing along to the songs. He knew ALL the lyrics. FML

by shtzbutnogiggles / 05/17/2016 at 10:10am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a trampoline park, my time of the month and my out-of-shape body worked together to make me almost pass out. FML

by a faint recollection / 05/22/2016 at 9:57pm / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

by Kendall14159 / 05/21/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Florida) / Kids