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May 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

#21136526
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45823) - you deserved it (4899)

On 05/11/2014 at 10:46am - work - by Makeitdance - United States (California)

Today, I took my son to lunch. After we ate, the waitress came over and told me that my son was the most well-behaved child they had ever had there. His response was to pull his pants down and moon the entire restaurant while smacking his bottom. FML

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML

#21157398
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66315) - you deserved it (7312)

On 05/30/2014 at 6:05pm - intimacy - by lahiros (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

#21152151
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50364) - you deserved it (6891)

On 05/26/2014 at 11:53am - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I overheard someone at the mall telling his friend, "So I'm going in for a brain scan." Trying to be funny, I piped up, "Better hope they find something!" Turns out that had been the end of his sentence, and the scan is to see if his cancer has spread. FML

#21134153
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17915) - you deserved it (72193)

On 05/08/2014 at 3:52pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

#21154562
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50019) - you deserved it (29846)

On 05/28/2014 at 12:28pm - kids - by outsmartedbykids (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, I was trolling on a My Little Pony forum. I was midway through typing a big post, calling them all a bunch of attention-seeking losers who act like morons because their parents never loved them, when I broke down in tears, realizing I'd just perfectly described myself. FML

#21133397
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22238) - you deserved it (60488)

On 05/07/2014 at 5:25pm - misc - by I suck :( (man) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

#21138987
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23958) - you deserved it (68739)

On 05/13/2014 at 7:46pm - health - by ShutTheFuCupcake (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my grandma was diagnosed with lung cancer. We're very close, and I called my boyfriend, really needing some support. I'd barely told him what had happened, when he replied, "Babe, I'm in the middle of a game here. Call me later." FML

#21150333
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51619) - you deserved it (6442)

On 05/24/2014 at 3:31pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I spent an hour explaining to a college student how you could have a baby and not be married. He still doesn't get it. FML

#21131094
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44062) - you deserved it (4431)

On 05/05/2014 at 1:07am - misc - by melmel (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, my 15-year-old son got so enraged at a fly that kept harassing him, that he ended up slapping himself in the face as it flew by him. This caused him to fall out of his chair, at which point he broke down into a mess of tears, humiliating me in front of everyone. FML

#21157319
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44542) - you deserved it (10360)

On 05/30/2014 at 4:37pm - kids - by get a grip, son (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

#21131182
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51865) - you deserved it (23303)

On 05/05/2014 at 3:53am - intimacy - by Zekrome - Canada (Ontario)

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

#21153154
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45739) - you deserved it (4744)

On 05/27/2014 at 7:15am - animals - by Holyguacamoly (woman) - Iceland



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