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December 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

#21008605
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49732) - you deserved it (3963)

On 12/28/2013 at 7:31pm - animals - by Anonomous - United States (Vermont)

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

#20982904
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53334) - you deserved it (8642)

On 12/06/2013 at 3:23pm - intimacy - by fuckadaisical (woman) - United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff)

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

#20989324
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55661) - you deserved it (8694)

On 12/11/2013 at 7:51pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I diagnosed a patient with a spastic colon. For some reason, the term "spastic colon" has always amused me, and I burst into uncontrollable laughter as I said it. By the time I managed to stop laughing, my eyes were watering and my patient was visibly angry. FML

#21002747
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22618) - you deserved it (46794)

On 12/23/2013 at 6:11pm - work - by dr immature (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I have to take time off from work to take part in an intervention because my sister's obsession with the guy from Harry Potter has crossed over into illegality. FML

#21009908
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41781) - you deserved it (3314)

On 12/29/2013 at 11:23pm - misc - by LeaveHimAlone (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

#20977883
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20038) - you deserved it (52491)

On 12/02/2013 at 1:41am - misc - by car keyer (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

#20985382
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42136) - you deserved it (16770)

On 12/08/2013 at 6:44pm - love - by GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - United States

Today, my crazy ex-girlfriend legally changed her last name to mine. I'm getting married in a week. FML

#20986172
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54989) - you deserved it (3638)

On 12/09/2013 at 10:10am - misc - by anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

#21004910
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41293) - you deserved it (14129)

On 12/25/2013 at 1:27pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50271) - you deserved it (5560)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my boss found out that my girlfriend dumped me. He asked if that meant she would no longer bring her delicious homemade cookies to the office. When I said yes, he fired me on the spot. FML

#20990683
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50867) - you deserved it (3266)

On 12/12/2013 at 10:08pm - work - by justin (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

#20999870
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54931) - you deserved it (3629)

On 12/21/2013 at 2:08am - love - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

#20979023
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44607) - you deserved it (6773)

On 12/03/2013 at 1:09am - misc - by Kyle - United States (Washington)



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