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December 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

#21007475
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49239) - you deserved it (6484)

On 12/27/2013 at 5:39pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my mom got pissed off at my doctor and called him a quack. She did this because he reassured her that I don't show any signs of the mental retardation that she's convinced herself I must have. FML

#20993646
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45783) - you deserved it (3011)

On 12/15/2013 at 4:48pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - Croatia (Licko-Senjska)

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

#20997138
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45120) - you deserved it (3499)

On 12/18/2013 at 4:20pm - love - by romance sucks. (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

#21003528
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40290) - you deserved it (10552)

On 12/24/2013 at 11:53am - animals - by PityKitty (woman) -

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

#20995711
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38687) - you deserved it (3417)

On 12/17/2013 at 10:38am - health - by adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway (woman) - Netherlands (Zuid-Holland)

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

#21002970
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40138) - you deserved it (3368)

On 12/23/2013 at 9:48pm - love - by .... (man) - United States (California)

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

#20993906
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39232) - you deserved it (3538)

On 12/15/2013 at 9:04pm - kids - by lavenderpiss (man) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

#21001557
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37331) - you deserved it (3566)

On 12/22/2013 at 4:56pm - misc - by blackcarnation - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

#21010622
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49061) - you deserved it (4991)

On 12/30/2013 at 4:38pm - love - by smokecloud_ (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I got an e-mail regarding an IT support job I applied to. The e-mail had numerous formatting errors due to bad code, and typos all over the place. It said I wasn't qualified for the job. FML

#21011264
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38743) - you deserved it (3077)

On 12/31/2013 at 3:08am - work - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

#20994255
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37653) - you deserved it (3118)

On 12/16/2013 at 12:14am - misc - by Mary (woman) - United States

Today, I farted so loud that I woke myself up. And the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane. FML

#20988758
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41999) - you deserved it (6919)

On 12/11/2013 at 8:14am - misc - by pootie (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I caught my neighbor picking my flowers out of the planter on my porch. When I said something to her, she ran off and knocked over the planter, smashing it. She is now acting like nothing happened. FML



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