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December 2013

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Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML

by puking now / 12/13/2013 at 7:34pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I did the "walk of shame" sixteen blocks. It wouldn't have been so bad if the sidewalks and streets weren't completely covered in ice. Somewhere along the way I lost what little dignity I had left, along with my left shoe. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2013 at 6:29pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2013 at 12:58pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

by .... / 12/23/2013 at 9:48pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my 5-year-old decided that it would be a great idea to try to paint her nails in secret. As a result, I now get to learn how to remove copious amounts of dark nail polish from a wide variety of materials, including my apartment's 1/2-inch thick shag rug. FML

Today, I managed to infect a clean computer with a virus while looking up info on how to rid my other computer of the same virus. FML

by me / 12/14/2013 at 8:49pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

by jhulich / 12/24/2013 at 3:48pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

by PityKitty / 12/24/2013 at 11:53am / Animals

Today, I stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some snacks. I paid the cashier, then got back into my car, totally forgetting to pump the $50 worth of fuel I'd just prepaid for. Too bad I didn't realize until my car came to a sputtering stop about a mile down the road. FML

by AbsentMindedGal / 12/21/2013 at 4:07am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to basically ground my own husband, after he tricked our 6-year-old son into getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2013 at 2:13pm / Sweden / Kids

Today, I got my period, and had to rush to my parents' bathroom for some pads. They'd put all our wrapped presents in their bathroom. As I was looking, my dad thought I was opening presents and barged in, only to see me with my pants around my ankles. Now he won't stop laughing. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2013 at 12:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that when your mom threatens to embarrass you by singing in public, the wrong response is, "Yeah? I dare you." FML

Today, a woman called the store I work for. When she found out it was a wrong number, she started to cry and asked me to stay on the line with her, talking about her dead husband and how she hasn't laughed in years. FML

by icy_in_indiana / 12/10/2013 at 10:41pm / United States (Indiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.