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December 2013

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Today, feeling too lazy to cook dinner, I bought a bagged salad from a low-end store. I dumped the contents into a bowl; the first thing that fell out was a dead mouse. Bon appetit. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2013 at 2:52am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my mom has been using my credit card to buy everyone's Christmas presents. FML

by anonymous / 12/17/2013 at 12:02am / United States (Minnesota) / Money

Today, I took an extra xanax to help with my anxiety, then went to sleep. I guess it was probably too much, because I woke up a few hours later, freaking out and panicking because I was convinced I was a bee trapped in a human body. FML

by beemove / 12/28/2013 at 4:19pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2013 at 12:10am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, a rumor was spread around that I was dating somebody. I confronted the person who everyone thought I was dating, and asked him about it. He also thought we were dating. FML

by Rumors / 12/12/2013 at 6:27am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend when all of a sudden he stops, grabs my breasts with both hands, makes circular motions with them, and yells, "Daniel-san! Wax on! Wax off! Wax on! Wax off!", killing my orgasm dead. FML

by KarateKid76 / 12/04/2013 at 10:19pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

by thefifthdoctor / 12/10/2013 at 1:04am / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I saw the guy who helped me yesterday when I was lost by telling me which bus to take. He came up to me and asked me how it went. I told him that the bus went the exact opposite way I wanted to go. He laughed and said, "I know." FML

by Lemurcat / 12/11/2013 at 11:56am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, concerned about my daughter's recent behavior, I looked through her web browser history. I found web searches for information on how to make a bomb to blow up a "horse". I'm not sure if she's illiterate, but either way it seems I need to get her some help. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2013 at 4:43pm / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, I went skiing. On the first run of the day, a little girl came out of nowhere and crashed into me. I was fine, but she was hurt, so I called the ski patrol. She told him that I deliberately hit her, and got me kicked out. I was there for 10 minutes. I paid for all day. FML

by bad luck skier / 12/30/2013 at 3:28pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

by nightmarestonite / 12/16/2013 at 4:54pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2013 at 9:27am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Work

Today, my car was keyed, while I was still sitting in it. FML