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December 2013

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Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46515) - you deserved it (5122)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

#20977883
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18627) - you deserved it (48952)

On 12/02/2013 at 1:41am - misc - by car keyer (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, after finals, my English professor left me less than one percent from an A. Why? All semester long, he took away points because my opinions did not match his. FML

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

#21000068
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47830) - you deserved it (3872)

On 12/21/2013 at 10:46am - misc - by 00bsg - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was gushing about my love for Disney princesses when someone told me I "definitely needed to calm down." By whom? A four-year-old girl. FML

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

#20996935
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39465) - you deserved it (15066)

On 12/18/2013 at 12:47pm - intimacy - by Rob (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

#20996147
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45910) - you deserved it (3387)

On 12/17/2013 at 6:48pm - misc - by gymgirl - United States (Texas)

Today, my grandma came over for the holidays. She tried explaining how Santa is actually Christ reincarnated, giving presents to all the good little Christian boys and girls. She'll be staying all week. FML

#20995564
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35377) - you deserved it (4645)

On 12/17/2013 at 4:16am - misc - by not-religious (woman) - United States

Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML

#20986479
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56156) - you deserved it (4773)

On 12/09/2013 at 4:01pm - misc - by igotpride - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

#20992325
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47742) - you deserved it (8888)

On 12/14/2013 at 1:50pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) -

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

#21007608
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40884) - you deserved it (5291)

On 12/27/2013 at 8:37pm - animals - by eyes wide SHIT (woman) - Australia

Today, I went to my bedroom for some alone time while my daughter watched TV. I didn't realize that my iPad was still connected to the Apple TV, until I hit play on some porn and heard a scream from the other room. FML

#21008990
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25554) - you deserved it (52628)

On 12/29/2013 at 2:01am - kids - by ConfusedDad - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter excitedly told me about a new diet she read about online. Apparently, the diet entirely consists of bottled water and a mixture of food coloring. The food coloring "takes care of all that vitamin and mineral stuff." My daughter is an idiot. FML

#20985898
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46024) - you deserved it (7191)

On 12/09/2013 at 12:52am - kids - by Nofoodcoloringisnotasubstituteforfood (man) - United States (Wisconsin)



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