Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
December 2013

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, I was watching TV with my husband, and he started getting frisky. When the commercial break started, we started having sex. When he came, there were still two commercials left before the show resumed. FML

by erjazo / 12/31/2013 at 4:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend randomly decided to let me know that he believes there's really no such thing as cheating, unless both partners explicitly agree that the relationship is monogamous. And no, he wouldn't agree that ours is. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2013 at 4:41pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, my 12-year-old daughter glued her left eyelid shut with fake eyelash glue. After spending 4 hours in the ER, I asked her why she did it. "I wanted to get Blake to notice me," she said. Blake is our neighbor's convict son. FML

by AnnoyedSister / 12/30/2013 at 5:28pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML

by fuck my eyeballs / 12/01/2013 at 6:07pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

by scared shitless / 12/10/2013 at 4:50am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

by Anonymous / 12/21/2013 at 2:08am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend bought a onesie. He sleeps in it, goes out in it and won't take it off, not even for sex. FML

by BabeWithBrains / 12/08/2013 at 2:01pm / United States (Wyoming) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

by russianfail / 12/04/2013 at 11:24am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

by GetOutOfMyHouseLoser / 12/08/2013 at 6:44pm / United States / Love

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

by anon / 12/27/2013 at 2:28am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

by Jizzyface / 12/29/2013 at 7:36am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy

Today, I set up a motion-activated sprinkler to drench the neighborhood kids who have been ding dong ditching me for years. Because they cannot get close enough to ring the doorbell, they decided to start egging me instead. FML

by Kyle / 12/03/2013 at 1:09am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've missed my period, and that I think I might be pregnant. He started panicking and ended up puking in the toilet. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2013 at 5:08pm / United States (Idaho) / Kids