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August 2013

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Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

by WartCream / 08/17/2013 at 8:27pm / United States (Kansas) / Love

Today, while discussing career prospects with my mom, she suggested that I become a penis puppeteer, because "Let's face it, you play with it 24/7. Why not make a career out of it?" Yeah, thanks. FML

by kaynotentirelywrong / 08/15/2013 at 12:49pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

by anditburnsburnsburns / 08/27/2013 at 2:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2013 at 12:01pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom's dog saw a cat in our yard. I watched as he tried to jump at it, only to smack face-first into the window. He did this twice more before curling up on the floor and whimpering pitifully. When my mom came in and saw him there, and me laughing, she accused me of beating him. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2013 at 5:36pm / Sweden (Dalarnas Lan) / Animals

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

by Nanana32 / 08/14/2013 at 4:28pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2013 at 7:12pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

by this sucks / 08/05/2013 at 12:00am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

by hangman / 08/01/2013 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2013 at 4:38am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Transportation

Today, my mom is convinced that my cat is the reincarnation of Vincent van Gogh. Why? He sleeps under my sunflowers and is a ginger tabby cat. FML

by KatVanGogh / 08/25/2013 at 9:16pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

Today, I asked a cute guy for his number but instead he gave it to my gay friend. When my friend later called him, it turned out that he'd given him his number just to get rid of me and wasn't expecting him to call. FML

by sorejecteditmakesmewannacry / 08/29/2013 at 6:44am / Love

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

by Idontknowwhattodo / 08/27/2013 at 6:17am / United States (California) / Kids