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August 2013

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Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

by rachel / 08/10/2013 at 4:56pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Kids

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2013 at 2:11pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, I stopped at a red light, when I noticed the car in front of me was in reverse. I honked at the driver, hoping he'd realize and place the car in drive. He thought the light turned green and immediately backed into me. FML

by please don't back that thing up / 08/09/2013 at 1:00am / United States / Transportation

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

by Oh-Shit! / 08/10/2013 at 11:23am / United States / Health

Today, I bid on an item on eBay, only to find the exact item I wanted later while out in the city. I bought it, assuming I would be outbid, as always. Nope. FML

by Blink_me26 / 08/19/2013 at 12:50am / Australia (Victoria) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

by shut_up / 08/21/2013 at 10:08am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2013 at 12:11pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

by Thanks everyone / 08/28/2013 at 6:35pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, my dog was riding my car's passenger seat. He clambered over onto my lap, causing me to lose control of the wheel for a few seconds. As I tried to knock him off me, I lost track of my speed, and ended up being pulled over for reckless driving. FML

by fUcKOAHdSAjl / 08/16/2013 at 2:41pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Animals

Today, my 17-year-old son came home with a black eye saying he ran into a pole at school. I asked the principal if we could see the tapes. He actually did run straight into a pole. And not just once, twice. FML

by ggabrams / 08/17/2013 at 8:55am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2013 at 4:13pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Health

Today, like every day for the past 6 months, I got a call from the same telemarketers. I've been ignoring the calls, so now they've started leaving me voicemails. I can't get rid of the annoying voicemail icon on my phone without making a call, so I have to pay to listen to their offers. FML

by Sinkhole / 08/24/2013 at 11:27am / Guatemala (Guatemala) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

by are these people even HUMAN? / 08/01/2013 at 11:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Work