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August 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

#20859311
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52677) - you deserved it (5900)

On 08/29/2013 at 2:12pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I received a lemon in a box in the mail. I didn't know from who it was, nor how he or she knows my address. There was a note on it: "When life gives you lemons, date me." FML

#20837021
188 comments

Today, I asked my boss for a raise, explaining that another shop offered me a job at a higher rate, but I would stay if he would offer me the same. Instead, he fired me then called the other shop and said I was fired for failing a drug test. FML

#20857270
198 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53060) - you deserved it (6897)

On 08/27/2013 at 11:21pm - work - by nowork - United States (New York)

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

#20857966
191 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30746) - you deserved it (52855)

On 08/28/2013 at 2:50pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Alabama)

Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

#20826991
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52359) - you deserved it (9165)

On 08/08/2013 at 8:54am - love - by names suck and so do I (woman) - United Kingdom (Oxfordshire)

Today, my husband begged me to go down on him while he sat on the toilet, taking a crap. He tried to convince me that we'd both somehow experience mind-blowing orgasms. FML

#20815318
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59065) - you deserved it (6529)

On 08/01/2013 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by countryblumpkin (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, my band informed me that our gig this afternoon was actually a wedding. Whose wedding? My ex-wife's, along with the guy she cheated on me with. For their first dance, I had to sing what used to be our song. FML

#20844435
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (75572) - you deserved it (4214)

On 08/19/2013 at 9:06am - love - by Love stinks (man) - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

#20849713
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42340) - you deserved it (13649)

On 08/22/2013 at 6:45pm - animals - by violated ._. (woman) - United States

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old standing over me with a pillow. I asked him what he was doing, and he replied that he and Steve were playing a game, but Steve said I have to be asleep for it. Steve is my son's imaginary friend. I'm convinced Steve wants to kill me. FML

#20842823
181 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52019) - you deserved it (3112)

On 08/18/2013 at 5:37am - kids - by DrtySnchez - United States (Georgia)

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

#20858850
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33443) - you deserved it (8098)

On 08/29/2013 at 3:07am - misc - by Pontiacman92 (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

#20824199
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50217) - you deserved it (4388)

On 08/06/2013 at 5:55pm - love - by Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard (woman) - United States

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

#20838310
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28289) - you deserved it (44063)

On 08/15/2013 at 3:10am - misc - by Aly - United States (California)



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