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June 2013

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Today, I cleaned up my brother's room, since he's moved out. Under the bed I found a Doritos bag full of used condoms. FML

by the_lonely_life / 06/26/2013 at 9:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2013 at 9:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

by imarriedanaxemurderer / 06/18/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I got the bill for the flowers my husband arranged to be delivered to me while he's out of town next week. I also got the bill for the flowers he's sending to the floozy he'll be seeing next week while he's out of town. The gift tag for it was: "I can't wait to see you." FML

by Justme / 06/05/2013 at 1:02am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I woke up right as the dentist pulled my last tooth. FML

by Applejacks18 / 06/06/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Montana) / Health

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

by Kay / 06/02/2013 at 3:00pm / India (Andhra Pradesh) / Intimacy

Today, I accidentally left some music playing on my iPad, then left to do some errands. When I came back, I found it smashed into a million pieces. Apparently, grandpa couldn't find any other way to "shut off that goddamn music." FML

by MsGlaDos / 06/12/2013 at 5:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, at my wedding, the minister forgot to skip the "does anyone object?" part. My mother stood up and gave a lengthy reason, which caused my future in-laws to start shouting. It turned into a small riot, and no, we're not married now. FML

by Anonymous / 06/12/2013 at 12:27pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I was diagnosed with strep throat. My mom wasted no time accusing me of whoring around and claiming that most people get strep from performing oral sex. FML

by Anonymous / 06/27/2013 at 12:58pm / Finland (Western Finland) / Health

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

by anonymous / 06/06/2013 at 12:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after cricket training, the homeless man that lives in the drain next to the nets threw a beer bottle full of piss at me for rejecting him for a date last week. I ducked; it sailed through my car’s open window and smashed all over the seats. FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2013 at 5:04am / Australia (South Australia) / Transportation

Today, while using a urinal in a very busy mall bathroom, another man unzipped his pants and attempted to use the same one as me. FML

by not cool / 06/28/2013 at 1:16am / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today, after finally seeing a psychologist about the death of my dad and spending the longest hour of my life confessing every thought I've experienced in the 6 years since his passing, my psychologist asked me if I was walking home or if my dad would be picking me up. FML

by irishbubble / 06/04/2013 at 8:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health