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May 2013

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Today, I had my college graduation ceremony. As I was walking across the stage, some asshat, in front of over 55,000 students and staff, brazenly ran across the stage, snatched my diploma up out of the president's hand, and ran off. FML

by Uwrongfodat / 05/09/2013 at 6:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my partner and I were cuddling on the couch, watching TV when she smiled and murmured, "You smell like my dad." FML

by docwinters / 05/27/2013 at 8:39am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

by oops / 05/08/2013 at 10:44am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

by luvs2spooge89 / 05/01/2013 at 10:27am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I heard noises outside my front door. I looked out through the window, only to see my boyfriend encouraging his dog to take a dump on my welcome mat. FML

by wellokaythen / 05/14/2013 at 3:52pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2013 at 7:13am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

by Mr_poole / 05/18/2013 at 4:06pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML

by poopydaddy / 05/03/2013 at 7:32am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

by emasculated 10000% / 05/04/2013 at 1:05pm / Sweden (Kronobergs Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

by ADickySituation / 05/05/2013 at 12:14am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

by JACKxRAWR / 05/18/2013 at 5:41am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2013 at 2:31am / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, my roommate decided to splash out on a prostitute. When my expensive watch and the contents of my wallet turned up missing in the aftermath, his only comment was, "Shit happens, bro." FML

by eric4 / 05/23/2013 at 4:11pm / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Miscellaneous