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May 2013

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Today, from the balcony of my apartment, I watched helplessly as a teen came along and peed through my car's open window. FML

by Sean / 05/01/2013 at 12:44am / Canada (Quebec) / Kids

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

by Who1s269 / 05/03/2013 at 8:13am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

by thatonesilentkidinclass / 05/04/2013 at 4:11am / Philippines (Batangas) / Health

Today, our cat died. My five-year-old tried to flush him down the toilet. FML

by JamiesMom / 05/13/2013 at 12:29am / United States (Michigan) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

by notarobber / 05/15/2013 at 3:20am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

by Anonymous / 05/17/2013 at 4:10pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in bed with a one-night stand. We got really drunk the night before so I went to make a hangover-cure breakfast. Apparently he was so drunk that he didn't remember me, and when he came to the kitchen, he knocked me out with a pan and called the cops. FML

by paulinapo / 05/29/2013 at 9:53pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lectured by my mother for staying out until 2 am because I went to a gig last night. I was told I was irresponsible and made to feel ashamed. Not only do I live on my own and pay my bills, but I'm almost 30. This is a regular occurrence. FML

by vegas518 / 05/01/2013 at 7:13pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was reading and started laughing at a funny part in my book. My mom then bitched me out because she thought I was laughing at her. She called me a liar after I explained myself. Her logic? "Books aren't funny". FML

by Marmarfarfar / 05/07/2013 at 12:43pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

by What the fuck, son? / 05/11/2013 at 12:21pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time when her mother unexpectedly came home. In the rush to get dressed, we accidentally put on each other's shirts. Her mom noticed. FML

by lez probs / 05/18/2013 at 8:54am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

by Mr_poole / 05/18/2013 at 4:06pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2013 at 6:47pm / United States / Miscellaneous