Choose the period

All time / Top of the month / Top of the week / Top of the day
May 2013

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

by ineedayob / 05/18/2013 at 4:36pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2013 at 5:43pm / Iceland (Eyjafjardarsysla) / Intimacy

Today, I realized my favorite pen advertises a vaginal cream. I've been letting people borrow it for months. FML

by MrConcise / 05/01/2013 at 12:28pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I happily told my parents that my boyfriend proposed to me last night. My dad's response? "Marry that goofy bastard and you're out of the will." FML

by Anonymous / 05/10/2013 at 7:16pm / Switzerland (Sankt Gallen) / Love

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

by failure as a parent / 05/11/2013 at 5:19pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my allergies started up with a vengeance. Yesterday I broke 4 ribs and fractured my sternum. Every time I sneeze, I swear I can feel the broken bones move around. FML

by KatielSilver / 05/20/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Washington) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I finally scored a goal in a soccer game. Too bad it was in our own net. FML

by Anonymous / 05/23/2013 at 1:55am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

by redneckfamily / 05/24/2013 at 3:06am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was stuck home with a cold when my boyfriend's best friend sent me a text saying, "You doing alright?" I replied, thinking he was talking about my health. He replied, "I'm surprised you're taking the breakup so well." What breakup? Mine. He was ten minutes too soon. FML

by really? / 05/28/2013 at 4:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

by rent-a-cop / 05/05/2013 at 12:28am / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, while I was out shopping, a fairly hideous-looking woman stormed up to me and accused me of ogling her, saying, "As if I'd ever date you!" Less than a minute later, she'd somehow managed to bully me into falsely admitting to it and apologizing. FML

by walmart: first time, last time / 05/12/2013 at 12:37pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

by Locked Out / 05/14/2013 at 3:11pm / United States / Animals

Today, I posted a Facebook status about how I hoped to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend. A couple of hours later, I saw a comment on it saying he'd never done anything bad enough to deserve that kind of torment. Thanks, mom. FML