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FML with : oking

Number of results : 963

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

#21241880
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34311) - you deserved it (5758)

On 08/20/2014 at 6:14pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

#21240474
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28626) - you deserved it (12630)

On 08/18/2014 at 12:29pm - misc - by FANZZY - United States (New York)

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

#21238728
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30945) - you deserved it (8549)

On 08/16/2014 at 2:20am - love - by Hopeless romantic (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, my friend started choking while at a Hard Rock Cafe. I jumped up and tried to give her the Heimlich maneuver, only for her to throw up all over the table and stagger out of the place. I stood there as the waiter asked if I wanted to split the bill. FML

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

#21236566
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38831) - you deserved it (4496)

On 08/13/2014 at 10:18am - work - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Devon)

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

#21235893
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32999) - you deserved it (2710)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:55pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML

Today, I had trouble carrying a box upstairs because my arms were sore from working out. My mom asked me, "Why are you working out so much then?" I didn't have the heart to tell her it was because of her 100-pound weight gain and that I didn't want to end up looking like her. FML

#21225648
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39664) - you deserved it (6154)

On 07/31/2014 at 7:51am - health - by jogginglikeitsmyjob (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

#21225641
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42353) - you deserved it (4352)

On 07/31/2014 at 7:38am - misc - by lostintdot (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I went to a bar with my best friend, and some guys came up to us and started flirting with her and offering her a drink. I felt a bit left out and started joking that "I'm thirsty too". One guy looked at me, cringed and said, "No, I don't buy drinks for weird girls." FML

#21222298
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38389) - you deserved it (7000)

On 07/27/2014 at 6:17pm - love - by notgoth (woman) - Netherlands (Noord-Brabant)

Today, I was cooking bacon while my dog watched me, drooling. I thought this was funny and I teased her a bit. I then slipped in the drool as I was carrying the bacon and she got to enjoy it. FML

#21219985
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18194) - you deserved it (48087)

On 07/25/2014 at 2:05am - animals - by fuckendog (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

#21218442
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49010) - you deserved it (11700)

On 07/23/2014 at 4:00pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

#21217892
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39141) - you deserved it (3836)

On 07/23/2014 at 12:04am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, while out grocery shopping with my mother, she asked me to hold a large bag of rice for her. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd been absent-mindedly stroking it the whole time, just like when I pick up my cat. FML

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

#21206318
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43242) - you deserved it (7912)

On 07/11/2014 at 7:38pm - animals - by and god shat (woman) - United States (Oregon)



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