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FML with : oking

Number of results : 971

Today, while on the bus, a friendly-looking guy smiled at me, so I smiled back. He then pointed at my teeth and said, "You gonna get those fixed, or just keep them as a conversation starter?" FML

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

#21260464
207 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43527) - you deserved it (4155)

On 09/18/2014 at 3:32am - love - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

#21260355
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37003) - you deserved it (4117)

On 09/17/2014 at 11:14pm - love - by HappilyNeverAfter - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I had to take bus to work, because yesterday my car was hit by a bus. While standing there, I noticed the driver kept looking back at me every now and then. As I went to get off, he looks at me again and says: "Sorry..." FML

#21252700
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43514) - you deserved it (2592)

On 09/05/2014 at 10:36pm - work - by crop circle galore - United States

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

#21252547
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33930) - you deserved it (15998)

On 09/05/2014 at 5:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I saw a customer wandering around, looking confused. I went over and kindly asked if I could help him find anything. He said no, but that he'd help me find the teeth he'd knock out of my mouth if I didn't get lost. FML

#21248418
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34289) - you deserved it (2728)

On 08/30/2014 at 11:14am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML

#21247445
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35431) - you deserved it (4679)

On 08/28/2014 at 9:47pm - love - by ch4nny (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

#21245034
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27225) - you deserved it (15158)

On 08/25/2014 at 12:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

#21241880
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42269) - you deserved it (6877)

On 08/20/2014 at 6:14pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Sweden (Stockholms Lan)

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

#21240474
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31164) - you deserved it (13703)

On 08/18/2014 at 12:29pm - misc - by FANZZY - United States (New York)

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

#21238728
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32600) - you deserved it (8845)

On 08/16/2014 at 2:20am - love - by Hopeless romantic (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, my friend started choking while at a Hard Rock Cafe. I jumped up and tried to give her the Heimlich maneuver, only for her to throw up all over the table and stagger out of the place. I stood there as the waiter asked if I wanted to split the bill. FML

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

#21236566
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39981) - you deserved it (4531)

On 08/13/2014 at 10:18am - work - by Anonymous - United Kingdom (Devon)

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

#21235893
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34059) - you deserved it (2738)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:55pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML



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