FML with : oking

Number of results : 1167

Today, during a regular checkup at the dentist, I got a wisdom tooth pulled out which resulted in me looking like a fat hamster. Tomorrow is my first day as an English teacher in high school. FML

by toeloezz / 09/26/2016 at 2:02pm / Netherlands / Work

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

by Rowaelin16 / 09/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I tried to jokingly hold the door shut so my friend, who I'd seen walking down the hall to our class, couldn't get in. It was funny, until my new teacher yelled "Open the damn door!" from the other side. FML

by anonymous / 09/20/2016 at 6:49pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I missed out on my first cooking lesson because I was an hour late. I cannot go to the rest of them because if you don't attend the first class then you are not allowed to attend the rest. I just spent $70 on a cooking course that I won't be able to attend. FML

by That Person / 09/13/2016 at 8:11pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog kept barking at the door, and I jokingly shouted, "Language!" My mom heard and grounded me for yelling at the dog. FML

by gothchick201013 / 09/09/2016 at 2:43pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

by Sisi / 08/29/2016 at 12:49pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, on my way to work, I was checking my hair in the semi-reflective window of an office building. I suddenly realized that the guy I had a one-night stand with last week was standing on the other side, looking confused. He now genuinely believes that I am stalking him. FML

by YouWish / 08/24/2016 at 11:57pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, while at a baseball game, I was telling my friends about my underaged drinking experience at my sister's bachelorette party. It wasn't until I was done telling the story that I realized the Dean of my college was right behind us, looking right at me. So much for a good first impression. FML

by fuckingcool / 08/18/2016 at 5:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

by ihatemyjob / 08/15/2016 at 3:12pm / Work

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

by CJ / 08/11/2016 at 9:02pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

by Anonymous / 08/08/2016 at 8:04pm / Kids

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

by DisgustingCreatures / 08/04/2016 at 2:53pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my mom told me that I'll never get married if my cooking skills don't improve. My boyfriend agrees. FML

by :( / 07/31/2016 at 12:18am / United States / Love

Today, my boyfriend and I are looking at places to stay to meet for the first time. I figured renting a small vacation apartment would be ideal because he's not able to help pay because he isn't working and I'm not rich. He's telling me he can only be comfortable in 4 star hotels. FML

by Broke / 07/27/2016 at 12:38pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

by carl_carl_ / 07/25/2016 at 12:17am / United States (Michigan) / Love