FML with : he could

Number of results : 542

Today, my dad congratulated me on having my first girl come over late at night and asked me to be quieter because he could hear us. I'm still single and it was probably me grunting and getting mad losing Plants vs Zombies. FML

Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2016 at 9:12am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

by Shotacon / 04/06/2016 at 11:06pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

by missmcfarty / 03/31/2016 at 9:42pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2016 at 4:58pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, as a mascot for a pet store, I had to fake my own death to stop a little girl having a temper tantrum because she couldn't take me home. FML

by Wolf6661 / 03/14/2016 at 2:29pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after a lot of complaints from other members, I told an old lady at the gym I work at that she couldn't sit in the sauna naked. She responded by grabbing her boobs and shaking them in my face. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

by rapunzel3416 / 03/14/2016 at 2:31am / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

by Anonymous / 03/13/2016 at 12:16pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my brother decided he could just live with me. He's sharing my bed, using all my stuff, and has even refused to let me into my room in the morning to get ready. He thinks the situation is perfect. FML

Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

by BikerGuy / 02/24/2016 at 1:31am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my grandma posted an embarrassing childhood photo on my school's events page. I told her everyone could see it, and asked if she could take it down. She freaked and commented on it, apologizing for posting it. Now I feel guilty for embarrassing her, and it's still on the page. FML

by purplefuzz / 02/19/2016 at 6:34pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was let go from my dream job. My manager said he couldn't keep me busy all day, and so he didn't need me. He still has a "Help Wanted" sign up. FML

by MorlockWarlock / 02/19/2016 at 12:16pm / United States (Indiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

by EllieS9311 / 02/16/2016 at 8:16am / United States (Alabama) / Kids

Today, a short guy asked me how the world looked "up there", as I'm really tall. I decided to lift him up so he could see for himself. I failed both times I tried, to the great amusement of everyone watching. FML

by SK8WITME / 02/12/2016 at 1:22pm / India / Miscellaneous