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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FML with : he could

Number of results : 499

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

#21463522
42 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14953) - you deserved it (1011)

On 09/01/2015 at 10:26pm - misc - by NotBuyingATractor (man) - United States (California)

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

#21458908
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10010) - you deserved it (29756)

On 08/21/2015 at 3:43pm - misc - by notwhatithought (woman) - Germany (Bayern)

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

#21458894
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27371) - you deserved it (2201)

On 08/21/2015 at 3:02pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

#21453243
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23123) - you deserved it (2079)

On 08/07/2015 at 6:13pm - misc - by DietWater - United States (California)

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

#21452187
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22173) - you deserved it (4088)

On 08/05/2015 at 10:06am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

#21450259
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27874) - you deserved it (2626)

On 08/01/2015 at 12:10am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

#21450242
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26581) - you deserved it (1817)

On 07/31/2015 at 11:30pm - kids - by Oihana - United States (North Carolina)

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

#21448216
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28628) - you deserved it (2392)

On 07/27/2015 at 8:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

#21445328
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14615) - you deserved it (24479)

On 07/22/2015 at 2:32am - kids - by thebiteof87 - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

#21442166
0 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31521) - you deserved it (3069)

On 07/15/2015 at 6:02pm - misc - by Razz - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

#21441433
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28258) - you deserved it (1747)

On 07/14/2015 at 6:33am - misc - by ow my kidneys (woman) - Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

#21439756
223 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35577) - you deserved it (1699)

On 07/10/2015 at 9:23pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his boss so he could get a promotion and "provide" for us. This from the guy who made me quit my job because he said he made enough money to support us both. FML

#21438957
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25484) - you deserved it (3240)

On 07/09/2015 at 9:42am - love - by dtack2tack - United States

Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time". It was a little weird, but I let her. 10 minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML

#21425871
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32840) - you deserved it (4829)

On 06/14/2015 at 9:41am - money - by Justin 'Cuntface' Bieber III (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)



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