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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Number of results : 110

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

#21207511
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41138) - you deserved it (13470)

On 07/13/2014 at 12:08am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to somebody shaking my shoulder. I had slept over at a friend's house, so I assumed my friend was just fooling around. With my head under the pillow, I swung my hand at his face then gave him the finger. Turns out, my friend left for basketball and I had slept in. It was his mom. FML

#21141244
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38879) - you deserved it (16467)

On 05/15/2014 at 10:34pm - misc - by NickJJ - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

#21069326
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50136) - you deserved it (6652)

On 02/23/2014 at 12:29pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

#21045157
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40831) - you deserved it (4003)

On 01/30/2014 at 1:13pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

#21011563
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39824) - you deserved it (3340)

On 12/31/2013 at 12:47pm - misc - by awkword (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I dropped a new 50lb box of tiles. Luckily, none of the tiles broke. I'm assuming this is because my foot cushioned the fall. FML

#20998674
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36841) - you deserved it (3792)

On 12/19/2013 at 11:41pm - misc - by ouch - United States (Ohio)

Today, I bid on an item on eBay, only to find the exact item I wanted later while out in the city. I bought it, assuming I would be outbid, as always. Nope. FML

Today, while taking a walk in the forest, someone approached me and asked to borrow the knife I had clipped to my pocket. I happily obliged, assuming he just needed it as a tool. Instead, he used the knife to mug me, taking my cellphone and my wallet. I was robbed with my own knife. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

#20758994
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44564) - you deserved it (8813)

On 07/01/2013 at 11:37pm - intimacy - by whorecrux (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

#20758869
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38619) - you deserved it (3264)

On 07/01/2013 at 10:37pm - misc - by AwkwardPotato - United States (California)

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

#20744693
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46644) - you deserved it (6898)

On 06/24/2013 at 2:49pm - health - by SillyScotsman - United Kingdom (South Lanarkshire)

Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old, broken, and cheap." I put the tape there to avoid damaging the wires. FML

#20720827
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43292) - you deserved it (13017)

On 06/12/2013 at 12:59am - money - by why mom, why? - United States (California)

Today, I was taking a bus ride home, listening to some music. The music stopped and I assumed my iPod's battery had run out. Turns out someone managed to steal it, leaving my earphones in. I didn't feel a thing. FML

#20688903
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47923) - you deserved it (10286)

On 05/27/2013 at 7:16am - misc - by stupid (woman) - Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis)

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

#20682540
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19883) - you deserved it (35853)

On 05/23/2013 at 8:24pm - misc - by paper towel virgin - United States (Missouri)

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

#20666555
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42154) - you deserved it (5262)

On 05/16/2013 at 1:58am - love - by married life (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)



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