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FML with : Shit

Number of results : 316

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

#21259933
34 comments

I agree, your life sucks (4509) - you deserved it (283)

On 09/17/2014 at 8:18am - misc - by makeyourselfathome (man) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

#21258820
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27352) - you deserved it (2837)

On 09/15/2014 at 2:48pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Liverpool)

Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML

#21253167
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35796) - you deserved it (3527)

On 09/06/2014 at 5:08pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

#21252547
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33321) - you deserved it (15632)

On 09/05/2014 at 5:54pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

#21245833
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33532) - you deserved it (5426)

On 08/26/2014 at 3:12pm - misc - by alanh69 (man) - United States (Iowa)

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

#21244424
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36505) - you deserved it (12389)

On 08/24/2014 at 1:31pm - work - by Alisterine - United States (Missouri)

Today, my boss chewed me out for correcting several spelling and grammar mistakes in one of his reports. The words "Think you're so damn smart, don't ya?" were uttered. I'm his secretary, and proofreading his shit is part of my job. FML

#21243125
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42121) - you deserved it (2668)

On 08/22/2014 at 12:56pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - New Zealand (Auckland)

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

#21243070
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19023) - you deserved it (44376)

On 08/22/2014 at 10:35am - misc - by oops (man) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I asked my husband to tell me something nice about myself. He thought for a few moments, then said, "Uh, you shit quietly." FML

#21239720
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40931) - you deserved it (5660)

On 08/17/2014 at 12:40pm - love - by ugh thanks - United States (Ohio)

Today, I realized that my dog, who's 11, eats his own shit, and chews bones like crazy still has 10 times nicer teeth than I do. FML

#21232602
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31515) - you deserved it (7346)

On 08/08/2014 at 3:34pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, I managed to not laugh as a potential high-profile Italian client with a heavy accent repeatedly pronounced "sheet metal" as "shit metal". Unfortunately, my boss and a senior colleague couldn't contain their own laughter. We lost that deal, and our jobs are now endangered. FML

#21227795
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37375) - you deserved it (4265)

On 08/02/2014 at 6:37pm - work - by Shitmetalseller (man) - United Kingdom (Cheshire)

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

#21219077
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42612) - you deserved it (7734)

On 07/24/2014 at 5:05am - work - by Anonymous - United States (Florida)

Today, I babysat a 9-year-old kid for the first time. The moment his parents left the house, the little shit looked me dead in the eyes and let me know that if I didn't let him do whatever he wanted, he'd tell his parents that I touched him in his "no-no place". Suddenly I hate kids. FML

#21210892
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51309) - you deserved it (3567)

On 07/16/2014 at 2:56pm - kids - by fuck you, kid (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I left the house I'm staying at, not knowing that thunderstorms were forecast. I came back from work to find dog shit splattered all over the kitchen. Apparently the dogs I'm watching don't like thunder. FML

#21209155
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36354) - you deserved it (4650)

On 07/14/2014 at 6:48pm - animals - by Hiimhaileypotter (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

#21204913
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46533) - you deserved it (8149)

On 07/10/2014 at 9:34am - love - by oh my fucking god (woman) - United Kingdom (Derby)



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