FML with : Shit

Number of results : 431

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex in the same bed my dog pooped in because we were both too polite to ask the other person why they smelt like shit. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2016 at 1:22pm / Intimacy

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

by foodsicknessinATL / 11/23/2016 at 7:08pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

by Firequeen / 11/21/2016 at 4:44pm / Holidays

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

by hashtag67 / 11/05/2016 at 5:08am / Work

Today, I was hanging out with this really cute boy that I liked. We were starting to get personal, intimate, and really connecting. That is, until my roommate shouted that his girlfriend had just, "clogged our toilet and shit was overflowing onto the floor." FML

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

by mandosfriend / 10/23/2016 at 1:15pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, on my 18th birthday, I was mugged by 6 guys who beat the shit out of me and stole my phone and wallet. They could've just asked. FML

Today, I really haven't been feeling well. Even thought I felt like complete shit, my friends dragged me out to a club. When I got there, I ran into the bathroom and started simultaneously shitting and puking. If I stopped one, the other got worse. I was stuck there for an hour and a half. FML

by Anon / 09/11/2016 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had to ask my sister if she'd shit her pants because the smell of poop was following us around Paris. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I had to ask an eighteen-year-old, or that she said yes and didn't do anything. FML

by smellsfunnyinfrance / 08/21/2016 at 12:43pm / United Kingdom / Holidays

Today, I finally addressed why my boyfriend started calling me "love bug" since we haven't used pet names in the entirety of our 2 year relationship. His response? "because I love you but you bug the shit out of me. It seemed appropriate." FML

by Jaided_Genetics / 08/17/2016 at 12:20am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

by Jack / 08/08/2016 at 8:23pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

by Anonymous / 08/03/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

by BodyElectric / 07/26/2016 at 1:06am / Animals

Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2016 at 1:19pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

by aintgotnoteeth / 07/19/2016 at 1:53pm / Health