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FML with : masturbate

Number of results : 27

Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML

#21435969
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26864) - you deserved it (1583)

On 07/03/2015 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by but cum to think of it... (man) -

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

#21347895
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32438) - you deserved it (2529)

On 02/01/2015 at 6:10pm - health - by grossedout - United States (Virginia)

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

#21115891
185 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47548) - you deserved it (18268)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

#21008605
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46178) - you deserved it (3650)

On 12/28/2013 at 7:31pm - animals - by Anonomous - United States (Vermont)

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

#19956706
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35768) - you deserved it (3545)

On 07/18/2012 at 10:15pm - intimacy - by Awkward - United States (California)

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

#19154069
155 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10413) - you deserved it (35111)

On 02/24/2012 at 2:18pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

#19129332
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22551) - you deserved it (26231)

On 02/21/2012 at 3:10am - intimacy - by desperate905 - Netherlands (Noord-Holland)

Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML

#18314611
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35111) - you deserved it (11683)

On 11/22/2011 at 4:36am - intimacy - by toomuch (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

#18224618
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41673) - you deserved it (8046)

On 11/12/2011 at 12:34am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

#17643019
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33500) - you deserved it (3903)

On 09/02/2011 at 8:47am - intimacy - by rochellamaya - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML

#16432194
268 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21369) - you deserved it (65475)

On 05/31/2011 at 7:21am - intimacy - by Anonymous -

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

#13278835
321 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18704) - you deserved it (43187)

On 10/01/2010 at 6:12pm - intimacy - by caughtorangehanded (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML

#13145011
310 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52593) - you deserved it (3668)

On 09/21/2010 at 6:07pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

#6927698
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6655) - you deserved it (72725)

On 12/24/2009 at 8:10pm - intimacy - by paidback - United States

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

#3376550
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41496) - you deserved it (17849)

On 06/30/2009 at 8:14pm - intimacy - by SimpleSimon (man) - United Kingdom (Herefordshire)



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