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FML with : dick

Number of results : 71

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

#21288518
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26348) - you deserved it (21790)

On 10/30/2014 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I was leading a tour of my university and saw a girl in ripped jeans and combat boots smoking a cigarette. I told her that she shouldn't be representing the school in such a manner. She shot back: "I'm a Presidential Scholar. Suck my dick, bitch." FML

#21278356
316 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25846) - you deserved it (52080)

On 10/15/2014 at 1:07pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Alabama)

Today, I saw a bulge in my friend's pocket. I poked it and asked, "What'cha got there?" He said, "Uh, that's my dick, Mike." FML

#21235845
138 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40940) - you deserved it (25781)

On 08/12/2014 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by not a dick-man (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

#21234068
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33197) - you deserved it (8427)

On 08/10/2014 at 2:12pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Somerset)

Today, I was doing a design sketch for work. I snapped a pic and sent it to my boss. She replied, "Impressive. Nice sketch too." I was drawing at home, naked. My dick was in the picture. FML

Today, I was feeling unappreciated and asked my boyfriend if he loves me. He faltered and replied, "Uh, my dick does." FML

#21180513
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46008) - you deserved it (7672)

On 06/19/2014 at 10:33am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, after having asked me out on Monday, the guy I like angrily cancelled our date because I "hadn't bothered" even talking to him for "several days". One day. You didn't hear from me on Monday. It's now Tuesday. That's one day, dick. FML

#21169704
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47219) - you deserved it (6321)

On 06/10/2014 at 2:29pm - love - by fartbucket51995129565 (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my friend started his first day of work with me. I thought it'd be fun, but he's been putting on an obnoxious fake French accent and saying "merde" whenever anything goes wrong. Half the women at the office want his dick, and I'm still as single as ever. FML

#21150394
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42515) - you deserved it (5467)

On 05/24/2014 at 4:44pm - work - by thankssiren (man) - United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire)

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

#21149559
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40432) - you deserved it (3014)

On 05/23/2014 at 8:09pm - misc - by ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, I had to kick my own father out of my house after he started attacking my wife for breastfeeding our newborn son in the living room. All the way to the door, he ranted that "You don't see me whipping my dick out and pissing in front of everyone, do you?" FML

#21146270
263 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54149) - you deserved it (4800)

On 05/20/2014 at 1:27pm - misc - by Q - United States

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

#21142253
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39945) - you deserved it (13689)

On 05/16/2014 at 8:33pm - misc - by pissed off (man) - United States (California)

Today, my best friend wanted to see what my new boyfriend looks like. By chance, he'd sent me a Snapchat a few minutes before, so I opened it to show her, only to see that it was a dick pic. FML

#21132642
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33576) - you deserved it (39483)

On 05/06/2014 at 7:28pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my overly-attached 14-year-old cat wanted attention while I was in a heated Skype argument with my girlfriend. Worked up from the fight, I raised my voice and said, "Not now, go away!" He ran to his little bed, had a heart attack and died. I was a complete dick to my cat in his last moments. FML

#21108570
358 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65281) - you deserved it (32678)

On 04/09/2014 at 2:40pm - animals - by Brody89 (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

#21069920
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35010) - you deserved it (3290)

On 02/23/2014 at 10:59pm - misc - by DIY560 - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

#21069587
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42883) - you deserved it (5446)

On 02/23/2014 at 5:27pm - kids - by hot sweet.... not (woman) - United Kingdom (Renfrewshire)



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