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FML with : penis

Number of results : 249

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

#18531722
290 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30283) - you deserved it (5361)

On 12/16/2011 at 10:46pm - intimacy - by anne (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

#18456086
179 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31385) - you deserved it (4471)

On 12/07/2011 at 9:31pm - intimacy - by journey_Jeanne - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

#18417408
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33229) - you deserved it (5399)

On 12/03/2011 at 5:04am - intimacy - by trembelwick - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

#18260975
180 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36304) - you deserved it (6886)

On 11/16/2011 at 12:27am - intimacy - by halloweed (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

#18217902
379 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18115) - you deserved it (76708)

On 11/11/2011 at 10:53am - intimacy - by dumbassbuffet (man) - Canada (Manitoba)

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

#18202922
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29801) - you deserved it (22182)

On 11/09/2011 at 4:52pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

#18083202
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40492) - you deserved it (5224)

On 10/26/2011 at 7:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

#18003683
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33853) - you deserved it (2390)

On 10/17/2011 at 12:20am - health - by blarp - United States (New Jersey)

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

#17981787
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32937) - you deserved it (10791)

On 10/14/2011 at 11:23am - intimacy - by cduran2011 - United States (Ohio)

Today, working as a life guard, I walked through the changing room to go back to the pool. On the way, a naked old man started up a conversation with me. We talked for 10 minutes about pool chemicals, while his penis wobbled around with every small movement. This happens all the time. FML

#17927200
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25692) - you deserved it (3176)

On 10/07/2011 at 10:58am - work - by Dr.Octopus454 (man) - United Kingdom (Warwickshire)

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

#17919622
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38799) - you deserved it (9999)

On 10/06/2011 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends learned that if you play "connect the dots" with the pimples on my back the resulting picture is a large penis. FML

#17910918
175 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30205) - you deserved it (4817)

On 10/05/2011 at 12:08pm - misc - by Hoggiebear - United States (Georgia)

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

#17795601
273 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45026) - you deserved it (8129)

On 09/21/2011 at 1:20pm - intimacy - by ThisBlows (man) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

#17751753
205 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35754) - you deserved it (5393)

On 09/15/2011 at 4:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

#17744252
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36991) - you deserved it (3927)

On 09/14/2011 at 2:11pm - intimacy - by wf - United States



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