FMLs submitted from Wisconsin

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

by bri_sci94 / 09/26/2014 at 2:56am / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML

by iAmJasper / 09/17/2014 at 5:56pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I looked at a girl's profile on a dating website, and it told her I'd visited it. Later on, she sent me a message. It said: "Don't even think about it." FML

by guiltnazan / 09/06/2014 at 3:29pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my goat decided my hairstyle was so last season and restyled it for me with his teeth. FML

by the3goatlady / 09/01/2014 at 12:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

by fuck you, tasha / 08/24/2014 at 5:50pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

by sonofaneuroticwench / 08/20/2014 at 4:08pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

by fatty / 08/13/2014 at 11:46pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Health

Today, the couple who had written the offer we had accepted for our house withdrew it because apparently when they came by for the home inspection, my next door neighbor's teenage son tried to sell them heroin. FML

by BrewPack / 07/13/2014 at 10:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my sister was upset because she felt like no one liked her. Without thinking, I replied, "It's okay. If I acted like you, people would probably hate me, too." This sounded sympathetic in my head. FML

by wiifantcso / 07/01/2014 at 5:57pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home and saw my cat all snuggled up with another cat on the sofa. I thought it was the cutest thing ever, until I remembered that I only have one cat. FML

by Anonymous / 06/28/2014 at 8:09pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

by UnhappilyUnemployed / 06/16/2014 at 6:49pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I was at a buffet with my kids and husband. As my boys got up to get more food, I told them they'd better come back with something green on their plate. They both came back with mint ice cream and got a high-five from my husband. FML

by outsmartedbykids / 05/28/2014 at 12:28pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, I was at the bar. A man started to hit on me. He claims to have a fetish for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2014 at 7:28pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous