FMLs submitted from West Virginia

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

by goin4broke / 08/07/2009 at 11:23am / United States (West Virginia) / Money

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

by jcesom / 08/01/2009 at 2:35am / United States (West Virginia) / Kids

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

by jcesom / 07/29/2009 at 1:53am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

by RachelDC / 07/03/2009 at 3:06pm / United States (West Virginia) / Animals

Today, I was showing my unique new tattoo to my friends when a man approaches me with his digital camera and asks if he could take a picture of the tattoo for his website. I agreed. I find out later that it's a site about ugly tattoos. FML

by popemichael / 06/19/2009 at 6:48pm / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got along so well that my new girlfriend is going to my ex-wife's house tonight "just to hang out". FML

by Michael / 06/13/2009 at 6:35am / United States (West Virginia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

by iamrose / 06/13/2009 at 1:16am / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

by rain / 05/31/2009 at 10:05pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

by notacreep / 05/16/2009 at 4:39am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

by wvugirl / 04/19/2009 at 4:49pm / United States (West Virginia) / Love

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

by halebop / 04/06/2009 at 1:26am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

by Ashley J. / 03/01/2009 at 5:04pm / United States (West Virginia) / Health

Today, I shook hands with a girl and held onto her hand while telling her she had very tiny, delicate hands. When I let go to look at them, I discovered she only had two fingers. FML

by KWM / 02/12/2009 at 8:28am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous