FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I had to explain to someone that all beverages, except plain water, actually have calories. They weren't too happy that their milkshake diet was over before it began. FML

by technical / 03/30/2015 at 10:50pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, with the experience of sitting behind someone on a roller coaster, I found out pee is affected by gravity. FML

by Kryometric / 03/29/2015 at 2:38am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I tore my ACL while doing physical therapy that's supposed to keep me from tearing my ACL. FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2015 at 2:36pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

by stoprubbingitinmyface / 03/21/2015 at 5:59pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to surprise my husband by wearing something sexy to bed. He didn't say anything, just laughed and left the room for 10 minutes. The little confidence I had disappeared, so I changed, feeling stupid for thinking I could pull off sexy. He got mad at me for being confusing. FML

by anonymous / 03/17/2015 at 1:09am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

by CasaDeLoser / 03/11/2015 at 1:32am / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

by single&alone / 03/06/2015 at 3:44pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wasn't really bedridden sick on Valentine's Day. A Super Smash Bros game date with his friends was just more important. FML

by superscript / 02/17/2015 at 10:40pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my husband recited to me the name and model number of every single weapon in the game Doom, along with what they did and roughly where to find them. Last month, he forgot my birthday. We've been married for 6 years; he hasn't played Doom in at least 10. FML

by doomed / 02/10/2015 at 7:00pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

by bootyislife / 02/02/2015 at 11:36pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML

by CalledOut / 02/02/2015 at 1:41am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML

by okseñoryoucrazy / 02/01/2015 at 7:43pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, my dad and I were having a conversation about boneless chicken. He told me that they are raised boneless, going into detail, and I bought every word of it. Not until he started laughing did I realize how gullible I really am. I'm 22. FML

by katrina2d / 01/27/2015 at 12:43am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous