FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company. Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick." FML

by awkwardbf / 09/08/2009 at 9:26pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2009 at 9:22pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a friend's pool party. He lives on a lake and one of our friends wouldn't get in the water. My best friend and I decided to push him off the dock. Once we had, I turned to see my crush who had watched looked shocked. Then said "You know he can't swim right?" FML

by babydoll13211 / 09/04/2009 at 5:36pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, while emailing my very young, attractive teacher to ask a question, my hand slipped. Too bad you can't unsend emails that say "Can we meet after school some time? I have some thongs I'd like to discuss with you." FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2009 at 4:38pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister came over for a visit. I was going to surprise her with the news that I had spontaneously gotten a cat. The first thing she told me when she came in was that she ran over my neighbor's cat. None of my neighbors have cats. FML

by catlady5569 / 08/27/2009 at 4:13am / United States (Washington) / Animals

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2009 at 3:09am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, when I opened the door to my room at night, I saw this big menacing thing staring right at me. I gasped and my heart started racing. I apprehensively turned on the lights, and I realized that it was the semi-deflated Spongebob balloon that has been in my room for weeks. FML

by Scared / 08/23/2009 at 2:19am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, the girl I have been dating for the past five years asked me to move to California with her to get married. Naturally, I was thrilled and said, "Of course, when do you want to leave?". She just stared at me blankly and said, "Shit, I was kidding." FML

by axsmith01 / 08/21/2009 at 2:48am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

by razgriz1 / 08/20/2009 at 1:45am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2009 at 8:11am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

by Ahhwtf / 08/18/2009 at 7:47am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

by tailgaterhater / 08/17/2009 at 12:44am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, I was smoking a cigarette while watching the meteor shower. I was just about at the filter and as I was taking my last drag, my friend decided to scare me from behind, and I accidentally sucked the whole thing in my mouth. They don't go out immediately when in your mouth. My tongue hurts. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2009 at 3:24am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous