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FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

#20907982
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19742) - you deserved it (45010)

On 10/05/2013 at 2:56am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

#20900063
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42152) - you deserved it (3986)

On 09/29/2013 at 1:45am - misc - by -__-" - United States (Washington)

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

#20893002
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54364) - you deserved it (4274)

On 09/23/2013 at 2:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

#20886516
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38164) - you deserved it (4414)

On 09/18/2013 at 12:55pm - health - by GogurtBadass - United States (Washington)

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

Today, my loneliness reached a new level when I befriended the fly in my apartment, Mr. Stickyfoot. FML

#20866691
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33694) - you deserved it (6131)

On 09/03/2013 at 9:32pm - misc - by JustAnotherFML23 (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

#20860284
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40020) - you deserved it (2267)

On 08/30/2013 at 12:14pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, my barber repeatedly threatened to stab me with scissors while I was getting my hair cut. FML

#20858870
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35432) - you deserved it (3923)

On 08/29/2013 at 3:39am - misc - by oD_Ronan (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

#20857818
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47058) - you deserved it (8820)

On 08/28/2013 at 12:11pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, my mother bitched me out for filing divorce papers against my abusive husband. According to her, it's a "slap in God's face". She's the one who's divorced two husbands so far because they weren't getting job promotions fast enough to support her hoarding habit. FML

#20852500
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44213) - you deserved it (2279)

On 08/24/2013 at 4:37pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I attended my first day of school 4 days after reconstructive surgery. But no worries: I'm sure my alien-like appearance and 2 hours of Darth Vader style breathing in an otherwise silent test room will make me lots of friends. FML

Today, I had to endure my girlfriend crying and screaming at me. The reason? I'm not able to please her like the fictional character Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey. When she left me, she took all her stuff and left me with copies of the 3 books. FML

#20845941
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39597) - you deserved it (3806)

On 08/20/2013 at 4:06am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. I told my boyfriend and my close family, who were all ecstatic. Then he told his mother. Her reaction? "It better come out looking like him." FML



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