FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML

by poorkids / 10/31/2012 at 1:01am / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

by Andrew / 10/30/2012 at 2:08am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

by Medic / 10/28/2012 at 11:10pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

by Miss Spasticator / 10/26/2012 at 4:49pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, while my mother's blind friend was waiting in our kitchen for my mom to come home, I thought it would be funny to talk to her in the nude. Turns out she's only blind in one eye. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2012 at 8:29pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2012 at 2:54pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

by Unfortunate / 10/07/2012 at 8:24pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

by TheVirginJenny / 10/06/2012 at 8:05pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

by nonfreehugs / 10/04/2012 at 1:09am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2012 at 3:39pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I came home to my wife practising biting her lip in the mirror. Fuck you, Fifty Shades of Grey. FML

by fiftyno / 10/01/2012 at 11:02am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I was taking a pizza order at work, and had to ask the customer's name. I couldn't quite hear what he said, so rather than asking him to repeat himself, I asked how it was spelled. He gave me a funny look and said, "Um, A.J.?" FML

by martinaaah / 09/24/2012 at 3:35pm / United States (Washington) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started my new job. Less than one hour into the day, my boss told me that the reason he hired me was that I was the least attractive of everyone he interviewed, so I'd be less likely to cause a distraction. FML

by Annette / 09/22/2012 at 12:17pm / United States (Washington) / Work