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FMLs submitted from Washington

Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substituion cipher, using literary references. As they're both lit. professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML

#20042325
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23195) - you deserved it (2017)

On 08/26/2012 at 5:21am - misc - by ewww (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

#20042115
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34394) - you deserved it (3268)

On 08/26/2012 at 1:46am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, my family and I went to the movie theater. There weren't enough free seats near the front, so I sat a few rows back with my grandpa. He kept throwing our snacks at my parents' heads all through the movie. He claimed he'd been asleep the whole time, and I'm now grounded. FML

#20027054
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24346) - you deserved it (1929)

On 08/17/2012 at 8:39pm - misc - by wow, thanks (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was debating with my now ex-boyfriend over the ethics of using torture in interrogations of suspected criminals. It took just ten minutes before he freely admitted that he'd have no problem "torturing the shit" out of me if he even suspected I was seeing another man. FML

#20015148
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20358) - you deserved it (3473)

On 08/11/2012 at 12:38pm - love - by what the actual fuck (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

#20009222
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21940) - you deserved it (2200)

On 08/08/2012 at 7:23am - work - by TJ (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I caught my boyfriend staring at my sister through the doorway while we were having sex. FML

#20001613
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26919) - you deserved it (8275)

On 08/04/2012 at 2:17am - intimacy - by 420SUX - United States (Washington)

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

#19995362
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22230) - you deserved it (1380)

On 07/31/2012 at 9:54pm - work - by kaitlyna15 - United States (Washington)

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be hilarious if she pulled a prank on me, so she did the classic "bucket of water on a door" one. I ended up getting stitches and a concussion on my birthday. FML

#19992075
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22985) - you deserved it (1578)

On 07/30/2012 at 2:41am - health - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

#19952455
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25390) - you deserved it (4074)

On 07/18/2012 at 12:02am - misc - by anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, my father, who is going through a serious mid-life crisis, walked into my room, told me to "sit the fuck down," and spent the next two hours ranting about how the Lord of the Rings books prophesy the end of the world this December, and that Sauron is an analogy for "corrupt bankers." FML

#19950706
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20313) - you deserved it (1761)

On 07/17/2012 at 4:19pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

#19907709
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23368) - you deserved it (3366)

On 07/08/2012 at 1:18am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

#19880160
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19106) - you deserved it (3547)

On 07/02/2012 at 8:36am - misc - by furious at five in the morning (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, while walking around the local thrift store, I noticed an attractive guy watching me and following me through the aisles. As he followed me to my car I was sure I would get his number. He then asks me to bring my purse inside as I had been tagged as a shoplifter. I work at the store. FML

#19858168
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22040) - you deserved it (2020)

On 06/27/2012 at 10:28pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Washington)



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