FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

by DreamsDontComeTrue / 02/05/2015 at 1:15am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

by grossedout / 02/01/2015 at 6:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

by Anonymous / 01/26/2015 at 8:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2015 at 5:15pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

by EggHead / 12/30/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

by Anonymous / 12/30/2014 at 10:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run." then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2014 at 9:43am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2014 at 4:48pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my mom told me how lucky I was to inherit her "asymptomatic" periods. It's true, I don't get cramps, bloating or mood swings with my periods. Nope, just excruciatingly painful diarrhea. Thanks, mom. FML

by period_probs / 12/15/2014 at 8:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was home alone when I heard the carbon-monoxide detector beeping. Panicking, I grabbed my dog, ran out of my house as fast as I could, and waited outside for 3 hours for my mom to get home. Turned out the detector was just out of batteries. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2014 at 9:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2014 at 6:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2014 at 10:29pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

by not living happily ever after / 12/02/2014 at 12:02pm / United States (Virginia) / Geek