FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

by xxx / 10/03/2015 at 9:38am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2015 at 6:22pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2015 at 1:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got fired from my nannying job because one of the mom's several boyfriends mentioned that he found me attractive. FML

by meghancuma / 09/22/2015 at 1:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

by busmonster / 09/11/2015 at 8:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

by lobotomy pls / 09/11/2015 at 2:40pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I parked my car, went to pay for my spot, and returned to my car only to find a parking violation ticket tucked under the windshield wipers. This all happened in less than a minute. FML

by occam's pube-razor / 09/05/2015 at 12:26am / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, my mom decided to show me her new rape whistle. She kept blowing it every couple of minutes while we were stuck in traffic. FML

by PositiveElectron / 08/27/2015 at 3:52pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML

by YourAverageFckUp / 08/22/2015 at 9:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

by BryanTazed / 08/22/2015 at 8:21am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML

by lonelygal69 / 08/19/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. I said thank you but informed him that my birthday is tomorrow. He told me that I was wrong and screamed at me for 20 minutes. When I still wouldn't agree with him, he hung up and turned my phone service off. FML

by InterestingMuch / 08/18/2015 at 10:48am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

by ugly duckling / 08/06/2015 at 3:18pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous