FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2011 at 1:35pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my boyfriend of over one and a half years told me he won't give me a hand job because "it's awfully wet down there," and he isn't "a fan of other people's bodily fluids." FML

by No O-face / 01/17/2011 at 10:19pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2011 at 5:57pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2011 at 3:49pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2010 at 4:47pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2010 at 8:05am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I was eating dinner with a friend when a really hot guy came up and introduced himself. He told us he was vegetarian, and I wanted to impress him so I told him I was too. I was eating a steak. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2010 at 12:13am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

by fired / 11/23/2010 at 8:41am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

by Anonymous / 11/18/2010 at 11:27am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 9:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2010 at 8:42pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2010 at 10:57am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I was outside eating my lunch when an old man pulled his pants down and took a dump on the sidewalk next to me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2010 at 7:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous