FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

by nofrickenway / 04/24/2012 at 8:08pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

by monkeycannon7 / 04/24/2012 at 12:36pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I had to pick my 22-year-old son up from the hospital, after he got blind drunk, got his hand stuck in a Pringles can, and got the bright idea of staggering to the local ER to get it cut off. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2012 at 6:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

by Mark Allan / 03/25/2012 at 12:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2012 at 9:41pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2012 at 10:39pm / United States (Virginia) / Money

Today, while coming out of Walmart, I dropped a $50 bill. Some kid came running up after me yelling, "Hey mister, you dropped this!" as he ran past me laughing. FML

by dhbeaver / 03/17/2012 at 9:04am / United States (Virginia) / Money

Today, I found out I've miserably failed a college exam. My friend had agreed to pass me answers if I needed them, since I've hardly studied this year. We were on the phone when she said, "Oh, those answers were bullshit. Serves you right, huh?" FML

by Alison / 03/10/2012 at 5:48pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

by shelly / 03/08/2012 at 5:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

by Hungrytoothbrush / 03/07/2012 at 5:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I approached the girl I like, hoping to ask her out. Just as I strode up to her, she excused herself as quickly as she could. I then realized I'd forgotten to zip up my pants after going to the bathroom minutes before. FML

by Tommy / 03/06/2012 at 1:55pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I discovered that you can't always assume your little brother is kidding when he says that you have a spider on top of your head. FML

by thatoneperson / 02/17/2012 at 7:43am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2012 at 12:24am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy