FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, I was running late for an important job interview because I couldn't find my keys. I place the keys on my kitchen counter every day to prevent exactly this type of situation. After few minutes and missing my interview, I finally found my keys, in my hand. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2012 at 12:04pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

by Anonymous / 07/02/2012 at 1:47am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

by Heather / 06/26/2012 at 1:13pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

by ww2freak / 06/13/2012 at 9:17pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

by Scared / 06/04/2012 at 8:54pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

by Getmeout / 05/31/2012 at 2:50am / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

by Bilze / 05/17/2012 at 2:57pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML

by tinydancer / 05/10/2012 at 2:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

by Anonymous / 04/28/2012 at 11:00pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I found out that my fellow marching band mates all refer to me as the "short girl with big tits" because none of them can remember my name. FML

by noname / 04/27/2012 at 8:04am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML

by Weak Disposition / 04/27/2012 at 12:29am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I found out that my unemployed and very needy mother-in-law will be moving in with us soon. And during my conversation on the phone with her, she expects us to buy a house and my wife and I can "live with her." My wife agrees with all of this. FML

by nofrickenway / 04/24/2012 at 8:08pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

by monkeycannon7 / 04/24/2012 at 12:36pm / United States (Virginia) / Health