FMLs submitted from Virginia

Today, I left the house I'm staying at, not knowing that thunderstorms were forecast. I came back from work to find dog shit splattered all over the kitchen. Apparently the dogs I'm watching don't like thunder. FML

by Hiimhaileypotter / 07/14/2014 at 6:48pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, my coworker called in to say that he couldn't make it to work today because he was in a coma and asked if I could cover his shift. This isn't the first time he's tried to use this excuse. FML

by HowAreYouAlive / 07/09/2014 at 12:24am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

by Anonymous / 07/06/2014 at 9:27pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I saw the hottest nurse ever. Too bad he was pulling out a piece of wax the size of a raisin from my blocked ear. FML

by idk / 05/27/2014 at 11:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

by seriously? / 05/27/2014 at 6:23pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

by CEO / 05/09/2014 at 10:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

by Anon / 04/29/2014 at 10:07pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I walked in on my brother shaving his nuts, all while giggling like a maniac and seemingly high out of his mind. FML

by burnmyeyes / 04/19/2014 at 5:26pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

by Anonymous / 04/17/2014 at 12:01pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, I had to appear in court. My boyfriend gave me a chocolate to eat for comfort. The quote on the wrapper read "Today, you are exactly where you should be." FML

by NotInTheRightPlace / 03/17/2014 at 2:18pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML

by nerdlette / 03/15/2014 at 3:34pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in my Honors English class. I sneezed very loudly while my teacher was giving a lecture. I had the genius idea to say, "Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit." FML

by Catuser / 03/05/2014 at 10:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

by Anonymous / 03/01/2014 at 5:42am / United States (Virginia) / Love