FMLs submitted from Victoria

Today, I had to babysit my 7-year-old niece while my brother bought Christmas presents. After he left, she walked up to me and said in a very dark voice, "I'm gonna make you hate children!" Now my apartment looks like a bomb site. FML

by Che_likes_you / 12/12/2014 at 10:15am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

by unlovedandunfucked / 12/10/2014 at 1:16pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

by foreveralone / 12/01/2014 at 9:37am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2014 at 5:27am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my mum yelled "Son of a bitch!" as I narrowly beat her at a game of Mario Kart. I jokingly yelled back "Hell yeah I am!" Now I'm grounded for two weeks, birthday included, all because my mum's a sore loser. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2014 at 2:52pm / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML

by Anonymous / 11/02/2014 at 2:47pm / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2014 at 4:19am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I was shopping at my workplace, out of uniform, with my husband. A customer recognised me and wanted me to serve him, but I couldn't since we can be fired for doing so while off-duty. He complained to my manager, who wasted no time publicly bitching me out. FML

by iskiel / 10/26/2014 at 1:53am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

by chubbyg / 09/20/2014 at 8:23am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I got up at 4.30am, like I do every morning, and got ready for work. Just as I was about to walk out the door, my flatmate jumped me and beat the snot out of me thinking I was a burglar. Because apparently burglars shower, make toast and clean up before stealing all your shit. FML

by makeyourselfathome / 09/17/2014 at 8:18am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

by newswithabitofbite / 08/28/2014 at 6:31am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2014 at 10:16pm / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

by -_- / 06/13/2014 at 11:56pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous